13 ways to win an argument with your spouse

 Disagreements in marriages are inevitable. No matter how much you love each other or how understanding you are, the fights are coming. You can’t choose not to argue, but you can choose whether those arguments build up or tear down your marriage. Arguments that build up the relationship, and the people in it, are arguments that everybody wins.

1. Keep things civil. Derogatory, demeaning comments never have a place between married couples. Tearing someone down to build yourself up makes you a person built upon nothing. Words leave scars, so choose them carefully.
2. Getting physical is never ok. Arguments that turn violent never help the relationship. Resorting to violence is a sign of immaturity and of someone who is not ready to be in a relationship. If you are the violent spouse, do yourself a favor and separate yourself from the relationship and seek competent Christian counseling before you permanently damage someone. If someone is being violent towards you, even if it’s only occasionally, leave. Find somewhere safe to live while the violent spouse gets counseling and learns to handle themselves as a grown-up.
3. Start praying for each other before the argument starts. Part of your daily prayer time should be praying for your spouse. Pray for their success and for God’s Will to be done in their life. Pray for God to pour out the very best upon them and your family. You’ll find it hard to fight with someone you have been praying for success for.
4. It’s ok to tie. Our tendency is to want to win an argument at all costs. Where this may be useful in a courtroom, it is devastating to a marriage. Seek not to win, but to resolve. That usually means each of you are going to give up the concept of winning the argument and see the bigger win in understanding each other.
5. Agree in public, disagree in private. To the world, and your children, you should always appear as one mind. When there is a disagreement, wait for a private time to resolve. When you fight in public, people will take sides, which sounds appealing on the surface but is extremely unhelpful in resolving the argument. To this day, our kids are still convinced that Vee and I never “fight.”
6. Remember that you are “one flesh.” When you entered into the covenant of marriage, you and your spouse became one. So, when you disagree, you are actually disagreeing with yourself. I hope that you would never harm yourself or talk down to yourself. Afford your spouse the same courtesy.
7. Take a break and go to your neutral corners. If things start to get heated and out of hand, take a break. Set a time and agree to come back together in 15 mins, 30 mins, or longer, after each person has had a chance to calm down. Take as many breaks as you need.
8. Practice seeing things from the other’s point of view. Men and women are different. Shocking, I know, and completely politically incorrect to point it out, but men and woman are different. More important than the physical differences are the emotional and perceptive differences. Vee and I can look at the same exact situation and still see two very different things. This used to frustrate me, but now I have learned that it is one of the reasons I love her. Take a step back and try to see the situation through the eyes and heart of your spouse. Understanding reduces conflict.
9. Learn your roles. The roles of a husband and wife are very different in a marriage. One of the greatest hindrances to a strong marriage is when one of the spouses fails to live up to their role, forcing the other spouse to pick up the slack. You end up with two people living together where neither is doing what they need to do to create a successful marriage.
10. Seek out wise counsel. Look for professional, Godly counselors to guide you through the rough spots. Find couples that have successful marriages and watch how they treat each other. See what you can you add to your marriage to make it stronger. By-the-way friends who have never been married or who have failed, or are failing, in their marriages seldom make wise counsel.
11. Don’t take your problems to Mamma. Avoid sharing your problems with friends and family members. Even well-intentioned friends and family can have their attitude towards your spouse tainted by a casual comment made by you in the heat of passion. Show them the wisdom in your choice of partner, not your failings.
12. Once it’s done, it’s done. Stay focused on the topic at hand and work to a resolution. Don’t clutter up today with the things of yesterday. Bring up old offenses and you guarantee you won’t resolve today’s problems.
13. Keep the end in mind. Remember you chose this person for life, so threatening to separate or divorce when you argue tells your spouse that you are not committed to them, the marriage, God, or resolving your differences. Remember that no matter what happens, you are in this relationship for the long haul. You are not a child that runs away every time something gets tough. Taking divorce or separating off the table will help you focus on making your relationship stronger, not tearing it down.